Tag Archives: postpartum

My Journey with Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

I had dealt with depressionpostpartum depression anxiety off and on throughout my life, but never like I have during this postpartum time.

Once I found out I was pregnant in August of 2014, I went off the antidepressant I was taking on the advice of my obgyn. We then found out we were having twins at our 12 week ultrasound! I had a few times where I felt down during my pregnancy, but felt it was best to just deal with it and I didn’t feel it was severe enough to go back on medication.

I had a healthy twin pregnancy and was induced at 38 weeks (which is considered full-term for twins) giving birth to two healthy baby boys. Little did I know how hormones and sleep deprivation were going to affect me in the months to come.

After stopping pumping/breastfeeding at the 6 month mark, I started feeling a TON of anxiety. Constant, niggling anxiety which just ballooned and made it hard to function. I felt depressed too, but the postpartum anxiety covered up my depression because it was so overwhelming. On the outside it showed up as anxiety (of course), irritability, lots of crying, physically being fidgety and tense and constantly telling those close to me how inadequate I felt.

If anyone knew the war that was being waged in my brain, they would have been amazed, because what was going on there was a million times worse than what was being shown on the outside. I felt like I was barely holding things together, and that any moment I was going to crack or explode and everything would just fall apart.

At the same time I was staying home mostly full-time with my twins and I continued to feel worse and worse. I was back on an anti-depressant, but it didn’t seem to be helping like it had in the past.

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. At about 11 months postpartum,postpartum depression anxiety I saw a psychiatrist who was able to pinpoint what was going on. We started dealing with the anxiety first, and then uncovered the depression that had been going on all along. In my case they walked hand in hand and aggravated each other. The anxiety and depression I have dealt with since then has been so much worse than anything I have dealt with in the past.

15 months (today!) after delivering my twins I finally feel like I am on the slow road towards resolving some of my issues. I am so glad I am working with the physician I am, because it has been invaluable to find someone knowledgeable and caring, who gives me hope that I will feel ‘better’ one day.

I do feel like I fell through the cracks a bit… My OB’s office and my sons’ pediatrician’s office had me fill out surveys on PPD for the first six months, but not after that. Since I stopped pumping/breastfeeding after that point and my hormones REALLY started changing then, my more severe issues didn’t start until that point. I never felt like hurting my children or some of the other symptoms of PPD, but I did feel severely depressed and anxious. And just the other day I was reading that postpartum anxiety might be more prevalent than depression…. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/postpartum-anxiety-might-be-even-more-common-than-ppd_us_57742e48e4b0cc0fa13661c0?

If I could say something to postpartum women experiencing any depression or anxiety: if you are feeling depressed or anxious, you don’t HAVE to feel this way. There are people who are willing to help you, and you are not alone. It is not ‘normal’ and you can be happy again. It may take a little bit to get things going, so don’t wait as long as I did to get help. Reach out to your primary care physician, your ob, or a psychiatrist. Don’t be afraid to tell that person how you are really feeling. Hormones and chemicals in your body do crazy things. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You will enjoy your baby. You will enjoy your life. You can be happy.

You will smile again.

C25k Progress – Done with Week 3!

3-16-16 run


This was Week 4 Day 1 of C25k!  I’m taking the day off today as yesterday felt a little rough.  I have been going through the program a little faster than is suggested… but only because it has felt great so far!

(Don’t know what C25k is?  Check out this link here!)

I have been trying out new (to me) walking trails and paths around our area and have been discovering some really beautiful and fun places to run.  98% of my runs have been pushing the boys in the jogging stroller though. And let me tell you, it has made C25k a lot more difficult.  But I do feel like I am getting into better shape quicker than I would have otherwise.

I have already signed up for a 5k on April 23rd (right after the boys’ first birthday!) (omg!) and if I keep on track I should be running the race instead of doing walking/jogging intervals.  If I’m not that far along, I’m fine with that too… but my goal is to be running and not walking at that point.

And, since I won’t be pushing a jogging stroller, I should be supa fast, right? Ha!

I think I am finally far enough along in the C25k training program that I don’t feel slightly hopeless and totally out of shape. It still isn’t fun, per-say… but I am enjoying my runs more and more. And I am definitely enjoying the way I feel afterwards.  Running for me is definitely addicting.  <<<<One thing I thought I would never say.

If you would have asked me a month ago if I felt like getting back in shape within a couple months was possible I would have laughed in your silly face.  I was getting winded just taking the boys on walks.  I thought having lupus would slow my efforts down, but like I said in my last blog, I just keep telling myself I can do this, and that I can change my body and that I AM.

bill phillips quote


This Blog is for You.

3-6 Run

I started C25k AGAIN!

I am on my second week and man, have I missed running.

It it not yet fun. I am thinking it is going to be a few more weeks before I start to enjoy it even a little bit.

Before re-starting C25k this time, the last time I ran was August 23, 2014. That was a long time ago.  I ran a 5k race that day. It was rough. I felt overheated, exhausted and I thought I shouldn’t have been. Little did I know that I was pregnant with twins at the time.  But, alas that was a LONG time ago. I had a nice long pregnancy, a tough time with a lot of things after the birth of my boys… but it feels like my life is starting to find its own new normalcy now.

August 23, 2014 seems like ages ago. And to my body, which has gone through many changes, it definitely was. I had not worked out much at all the last 19 months save the random walk or workout video here or there.  I am back at square one. Well, minus square one because I am not massaging full-time like I used to, and that kept me in better shape than being a mommy seems to be.

I lost the majority of the muscle I had. My body changed from carrying twins in my belly for 9 months.  My body fat percentage is much higher.

In 2008 when I first started this long road to becoming a healthier person I was starting at what I thought was the beginning.  I started walking.  Then I found out about Couch to 5k. I started that program and loved the feeling that little bit of running gave me, but it was so hard. So hard. The beginning was the roughest. I didn’t know if I could make it through each workout. I felt so hopeless. I felt like a big slobby, sweaty, slow mess.


I wanted to write a blog to stay updated on life, and running and babies and all of the things in my life right now… but I also wanted to write this blog for YOU.

You. The one who has  just started a new workout regimen. The one who has only just thought about it. The one who has never worked out a day in your life.  You might be me, circa 2008.

I do have something now that I wish I had back in 2008.

I know I can do this.  Because I did it once before. And believe me, if I can do this, you certainly can! I really wish I could transplant this thought/feeling into your brain that you can.

It isn’t going to be fun at first. It’s going to suck sometimes. You’ll feel like giving up. But don’t! It will all be worth it in the end.  That feeling you get at the end of your workout (even if it is just relief that you finished)? THAT will be intensified by a bazillion times when you squat the most you ever have in your life. When you cross the finish line at your first 5k. The first time you hold a plank for 2 minutes. Keep on looking to those huge milestones and the next and the next and the next.

So, as I huff and puff doing my C25k runs I keep telling myself this: I can do this. It’s so going to be worth it.   I hope you’ll join with me on this tough, awesome journey. 🙂

you can do this - defyinglupus