Tag Archives: depression

My Journey with Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

I had dealt with depressionpostpartum depression anxiety off and on throughout my life, but never like I have during this postpartum time.

Once I found out I was pregnant in August of 2014, I went off the antidepressant I was taking on the advice of my obgyn. We then found out we were having twins at our 12 week ultrasound! I had a few times where I felt down during my pregnancy, but felt it was best to just deal with it and I didn’t feel it was severe enough to go back on medication.

I had a healthy twin pregnancy and was induced at 38 weeks (which is considered full-term for twins) giving birth to two healthy baby boys. Little did I know how hormones and sleep deprivation were going to affect me in the months to come.

After stopping pumping/breastfeeding at the 6 month mark, I started feeling a TON of anxiety. Constant, niggling anxiety which just ballooned and made it hard to function. I felt depressed too, but the postpartum anxiety covered up my depression because it was so overwhelming. On the outside it showed up as anxiety (of course), irritability, lots of crying, physically being fidgety and tense and constantly telling those close to me how inadequate I felt.

If anyone knew the war that was being waged in my brain, they would have been amazed, because what was going on there was a million times worse than what was being shown on the outside. I felt like I was barely holding things together, and that any moment I was going to crack or explode and everything would just fall apart.

At the same time I was staying home mostly full-time with my twins and I continued to feel worse and worse. I was back on an anti-depressant, but it didn’t seem to be helping like it had in the past.

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. At about 11 months postpartum,postpartum depression anxiety I saw a psychiatrist who was able to pinpoint what was going on. We started dealing with the anxiety first, and then uncovered the depression that had been going on all along. In my case they walked hand in hand and aggravated each other. The anxiety and depression I have dealt with since then has been so much worse than anything I have dealt with in the past.

15 months (today!) after delivering my twins I finally feel like I am on the slow road towards resolving some of my issues. I am so glad I am working with the physician I am, because it has been invaluable to find someone knowledgeable and caring, who gives me hope that I will feel ‘better’ one day.

I do feel like I fell through the cracks a bit… My OB’s office and my sons’ pediatrician’s office had me fill out surveys on PPD for the first six months, but not after that. Since I stopped pumping/breastfeeding after that point and my hormones REALLY started changing then, my more severe issues didn’t start until that point. I never felt like hurting my children or some of the other symptoms of PPD, but I did feel severely depressed and anxious. And just the other day I was reading that postpartum anxiety might be more prevalent than depression…. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/postpartum-anxiety-might-be-even-more-common-than-ppd_us_57742e48e4b0cc0fa13661c0?

If I could say something to postpartum women experiencing any depression or anxiety: if you are feeling depressed or anxious, you don’t HAVE to feel this way. There are people who are willing to help you, and you are not alone. It is not ‘normal’ and you can be happy again. It may take a little bit to get things going, so don’t wait as long as I did to get help. Reach out to your primary care physician, your ob, or a psychiatrist. Don’t be afraid to tell that person how you are really feeling. Hormones and chemicals in your body do crazy things. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You will enjoy your baby. You will enjoy your life. You can be happy.

You will smile again.

10 Things You Must Tell Yourself Today

Here is what I am focusing on today:


10 Things You Must Tell Yourself Today



















(From Marc and Angel Hack Life — check out this amazing site!)

On Depression & Anxiety


You may ask where I have been the past few months.

Newly married and having a pretty darn good life, you’d think I would be happy and content.

Not so much.

Along with about 19 million other Americans, I suffer with the big “D”: Depression and a good dose of Anxiety.

Other than my husband, I don’t know that many people in my life realized how bad the past few months had been for me.  I was really just sad 95% of the time.  But what was worst for me was the anxious thoughts I felt constantly. Those thoughts kept me from sleeping and left me worrying about everything under the sun when I was awake.


I started going to counseling, and it didn’t always seem to help. Some days it just seemed to intensify my sad feelings and anxiety by causing me to think MORE about ALLTHETHINGS.

I have been on Wellbutrin, an antidepressant, for about 5 years. Between my therapist and me, we though maybe it wasn’t working as well anymore. I may be a normal worry-wart, but even for me, this situation was becoming dire.

I talked with my PCP and she suggested another antidepressant, Lexapro.  Already taking plenty of other medications due to lupus, I really did not want to add another pill to the mix, but I knew something needed to change.

I had to give it a while to see if it would work.  I had some bad days in there, but I just kept telling myself to give it a little time.

About a week and a half in, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my bleak little brain.  Hope.  A little bit of peace.  Calm.  Hallelujah!

I don’t feel sad as soon as my eyes open in the morning.  I can actually look forward to my day ahead.  I don’t dread even the good activities and events in my life (which was really a sad way to feel).

It really just shows how much of a chemical problem this was.  Literally, nothing has changed in my life. I still have the same problems and issues: Lupus, work, a long commute, a new marriage, bills etc.  But now I’m able to deal with it with a clear head.

Looking back on the past few months, it makes me a little sad for Depressed Erin.  I literally would go into counseling and cry for a solid hour.  It would take me FOREVER to fall asleep at night with thoughts whirling through my brain.  I didn’t feel any excitement for anything, and my husband would remark, “Are you okay? You just look so… sad.” I feel bad for him. I know it isn’t any fun to live with a depressed person.

So.  There IS hope.  I am going to continue counseling to work on some thought patterns and to just talk through THINGS (lupus, relationships, events in my past etc) and continue taking Lexapro. I’m sleeping better and am feeling motivated to do healthy things.  My mind feels clearer and I calmer.  I’m starting to feel a little normal again.

You do not have to be sad.  You can have hope and a positive outlook for your future.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.


Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself.

I have really been struggling lately, but I’ve been taking steps towards helping myself.  I think most of this came up because once the wedding was over, I had time to THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS.  

Stuff I hadn’t really dealt with in a long while re: lupus/health/myself/relationships/past.  And I wasn’t exactly dealing with it the best way possible.

Here are some things I am focusing on right now:

  1. Keeping positive thoughts, and when I feel negative, to try and examine those feelings.
  2. Not beating myself up when I do screw up.
  3. Taking care of my body: Good nutrition, good rest.
  4. Being kind to those around me.
  5. Taking some time every day to myself just to relax.


ritu ghatourey quote

Staying positive when you feel like giving up.

I have struggled SO MUCH the last few months.

Right now I am working on staying positive about being healthy.

It is very difficult to try and eat healthy and exercise when in your mind, you only see how hard it is and how it just really, really sucks to try and do it!

I know it is what I should be doing, and it has been so hard for me to find motivation. I think I have finally hit the point where I am starting to remember how GOOD I felt. Not how it has felt lately… like a punishment.

I have been going through a Lupus flare and working a LOT. It isn’t an excuse, just a fact of life right now. I haven’t had much energy and I try to sleep as much as I can just so I can get through most busy work days.

But, work will be slowing down now, and I need to take advantage of this time to get back into the groove.

It is also hard not to struggle with the mental part of having an auto-immune disease. A lot of it is totally out of my control, and not being in control of your own body is so hard to deal with.

Sometimes it feels like your body is betraying you. There are times I am doing. everything. right. And it doesn’t matter at all. I go through a flare, my bloodwork is all screwy or I have a new symptom. It is hard to not want to just give up. I just have to stay hopeful. I can’t give myself any other option. Right now, I am hoping for my bloodwork to stay somewhat stable so that I can continue to taper off this stupid Prednisone (which I have been on for over 9 months now).

I need to stay positive and remember that I can control my own actions, and that I can’t give up. I need to eat well and exercise because that is the only control I do have. I have the choice to do what I can control and I just have to leave my body to God.

I need to keep thinking positively and remember how I felt when I was exercising regularly and eating well. It isn’t a punishment, it is doing what my body really craves. It doesn’t crave brownies and cheeseburgers, it craves veggies and healthy protein! I need to get my booty moving so I don’t feel so lethargic and gross.

I need accountability too. It is so hard to live with a fiance who can eat whatever he wants, then when he gains a couple pounds, just exercise heavier and only eat 5 cheeseburgers a week instead of 6 and lose 5 pounds! I’d love to say I don’t resent it, but I do!!

Anyway. Enough blathering on.

I think I’m finding my way out of my rut.